


No Heartwarming Stories

by DaftFloyd



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Choking, Depression, F/M, Mental Instability, Mentions of Suicide, One-Sided Attraction, Pain, Pain without Comfort, Pining, Suffering, Telepathic OC, Unconventional Female Names, Unrequited Love, traumatic childhood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-23 07:43:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4868798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaftFloyd/pseuds/DaftFloyd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A sad little story of a woman and her unrequited love for everyone's favorite patriotic super soldier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Heartwarming Stories

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, geez. Where do I even begin...
> 
> This was written during a time where I was in the same situation as my poor little OC bby, Alinn. I was in love with a guy that would never look at me the way I looked at him and so I wrote this to express the deepest sorrows of my pathetic little soul. It's probably the only complete Avengers fan fiction I've ever written and for that I should be ashamed. I was going to continue the story with Alinn striking a deal with Loki to win Steve's affection but I never wrote more than a few paragraphs into it.
> 
> I'm posting this for anyone that likes stupidly sad love stories or for anyone that gets a kick out of bad OCs and their misery. It doesn't have a proper beginning or ending because I never intended to publish it anywhere. Please be kind. Or don't. Either way, I'd like to know what you, the reader, thinks of it.
> 
> A little bit about Alinn - she's a mutant telepath from the Midwest that comes from an abusive family and has loved Captain America since she was a little girl. I originally conceived her as a character to put with Loki but later used her for Steve when Loki was claimed by my friends and loved ones.
> 
> Update: A second chapter is now in the works.

This wasn't the first time Alinn had felt like this.  
  
The young farm-bred woman was no stranger to heartache. She'd had her fair share of losses and knew what it truly meant to suffer, more so than some people. Just like now. She would describe the sensations coursing through her body as nothing short of pure suffering.  
  
She knew what it was like to love and loose but nothing compared to the pain of loosing Steve Rogers.  
  
In hindsight, she should have known. There was no way a beautiful man like Steve could love someone like her. She was hardly his equal, having been given the privileged to work with him through Shield over the years, only by the grace of her combat ability. She wasn't as tactful as him or smart or charismatic. She'd tried, she'd really tried, to make him notice but in the end, it was someone else who had caught his eye.  
  
Perhaps it wouldn't hurt so much if she hadn't spent her entire life obsessed with the man, but Steve had no way of knowing that. He didn't know that she'd pined for the legendary super soldier since she was just a young girl. He had no clear way of knowing that she was crazy about him, about his eyes and his voice and his unwavering kindness and strength.  
  
Steve had been everything to her, long before the man even knew her, and knowing she couldn't have him now, after all this time, was killing her.  
  
Being the professional she was, Alinn hadn't allowed her feelings to effect her work. She went through her day as a Shield operative, head high and smile ever present, only to come home and completely fall apart. She'd spent the last half of the day crying and only now, with the numbness setting in, could she do something other than sob.  
  
The young blonde woman lay on her couch, hardly focusing on the television screen. It was some sort of cartoon, something bright and colorful but the humor of it was lost on her. It served as a paltry distraction. Any joy she may have found in such frivolity had withered. It certainly didn't keep her from her thoughts.  
  
The worst part was knowing that he didn't know. She was lying here, loosing her will, becoming overwhelmed by feelings of pain and emptiness and Steve had no idea. He was probably out somewhere with _her_ right now, with one of the organization's top agents, Agent Thirteen, Sharon Carter. The woman was twice the person Alinn could ever hope to be. She was far more capable and much more beautiful. Where Sharon's blonde hair lowed like gold in the sun, Alinn's was like pale straw, hardly as vibrant or luscious. Where Sharon's eyes were bright baby blue, as clear and brilliant as the sky, Alinn's were a dull muddy brown. Sharon exuded confidence, always having the right words for the right situation, able to easily win over people with her smile. Alinn was mousy, shy, and constantly apologized for herself, always saying the wrong thing, always making a fool of herself.  
  
Not to mention there was that _other_ thing, the one thing Alinn feared he would hate her for.  
  
The difference was clear as day. Of course Steve would desire someone as godly and perfect as himself. Of course he didn't care about her the way she did for him. He never would.  
  
_'Maybe he never liked me in the first place.'_  
  
Fresh tears sprang to her eyes just as the telephone rang. She wiped them away and rose to answer it, clearing her throat before she did. “Hello?” She answered softly.  
  
“Alinn? H-Hey,” It was Weeko, Alinn’s closest friend and fellow agent. Her friend had the pleasure of working in archives, seldom ever working with other people. That's why the din of music and people blaring through the background, nearly engulfing her friend's voice, was mildly surprising. “Are you busy right now?”  
  
“No, not at all.” Alinn said blandly. “Why?”  
  
“Well, Tony is having a party tonight and Thor asked me to go with him.” Her sigh was audible. “I-It's not like I really hate it, or anything, but it's just kind of awkward being here alone... Thor is here but he just keeps walking away and I don't really know anyone here except for god damn super heroes.” There was a pause before she continued. “S-Sorry. I didn't mean to rant at you. A-Anyway, even Steve was here so you might see him if you come!”  
  
Hearing Steve’s name sent a nervous jolt through Alinn that she didn’t care for. “Well… I donno. I’m not feeling the best right now…”  
  
“You don't have to if you don't want to, but I'd really like it if you came.” The girl's voice was sweet. She still had no idea what kind of pain her friend was going through but now wasn’t the time to fill her in. Maybe later, after she’d had time to consume her body weight in alcohol.  
  
“Alright. I’ll get ready and be there in a few.” She promised.  
  
“Oh, thank you! Thank you so much, Alinn! I'll see you here soon.” Weeko hung up with an audible click and the line went dead.  
  
Alinn sighed, looking at the television. She flipped the screen off and scurried off to her room to change out of her pajamas and into some real clothes.  
  
It took her no longer than thirty minutes to change and arrive at Stark tower. She’d settled on a light blue button up and faded blue jeans with tan boots. It was casual enough that she was comfortable and not expensive enough to worry about spilling beer on. The nights had been warming so she went without a coat and only carried her purse.  
  
When she arrived to the top floor suite the music could be felt through the door. The thumping of the bass shook her as she rang the doorbell and knocked with excessive force. Weeko answered the door, obviously waiting for her, and ushered her in with a hand on her back. Alinn looked around the room and tried to listen as Weeko talked but she could hardly hear anything.

She looked at her friend and shouted “what?” to which the girl motioned to the bar. They ordered their drinks before finding a semi-quiet corner.  
  
Weeko raised her glass, a carefree smile on her face. “Let's drink!”  
  
Alinn did. She took a seat on the long sofa and downed the glass of what she believed was cherry vodka and coke. It knocked her back a spell but not enough to deter her from drinking more. It had been a long time since she’d been drunk because of what it did to her abilities to keep her mutant powers (of which Shield denied any information of) in check but she was much more experienced now. A little inebriation should be nothing to her honed powers of concentration.  
  
A perky looking busboy continued to bring them drink after drink with astounding speed. As soon as the country girl would finish one glass, the young man would instantly be there with another. While she still had her wits about her, Alinn looked around the room and noticed the number of people had increased. She didn’t even know most of them, wasn’t even sure they were all from Shield.  
  
“Have you seen Steve around?” She shouted over the din at her friend.  
  
“Steve? Uhh, no, not really. Tony said he was here somewhere but he might have left.” The other woman shrugged. “Why?”  
  
But before Alinn could answer, Thor had danced his drunken self over to them and had Weeko by the hand, pulling her up eagerly to dance with him, much to the short girl's hesitation. She looked to be just tipsy enough to enjoy it.  
  
‘Dodged the bullet on that one.’ Alinn sighed and drank her fifth glass. Her vision was starting to swim now and her head was fairly light. It wouldn’t be long now ‘till she was properly hammered.  
  
Two more glasses pass through her hands before Alinn is on her feet dancing to the music. It isn’t dancing so much as it’s her erratically jerking her body to the rhythm of the music. It sounds like robots grinding and singing through the stereos and it’s unlike any music she’d ever heard but she kind of likes it. Its mindless thumping that pushes all coherent or profound thought from her mind and that’s what she needs right now.  
  
She only vaguely realizes there’s people, some friends some strangers, even some colleagues, dancing in the same way around her. They must be as drunk as she is because they’re just as carefree as her. She feels peaceful here. For the first time all day she’s calm with all thoughts of unrequited love pushed far from her mind.  
  
The song changes and its replacement is even more supercharged than the last. The people around Alinn start dancing harder to the beat, running into each other, shoving, tackling, elbowing faces. It’s too much for her. She dances her way around and through them to the outside of the dance floor. She’s still dancing, her eyes closed in bliss when there’s suddenly a warm body at her back and they’re both toppling downward.  
  
The body behind her shouts in surprise but catches them both before they fall flat on their backs. For all the commotion, no one seems to notice. Alinn stumbles back onto her feet with the help of the stranger. “’M so so sorry, man. I wasn’t watchin’ where…” She looks up into the face of the stranger and her heart goes cold.  
  
“It’s okay.” Steve says, smiling kindly at her. “No harm done. Just be more careful.”  
  
Alinn is just gawking up at him stupidly and wondering what she should do. His sudden appearance has her heart turning in her stomach. She’s torn between the pain rising in her chest and the thought that she just bumped into Steve Rogers and he’d _caught her_. The memory of his arms steadying her suddenly seems widely erotic and it’s making her head swim.  
  
“Hey, Agent Flynn!” Steve says as he recognizes her, unaware of her inner turmoil. He’s smiling and the sight of it sends her stomach tumbling into knots. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you at one of these parties before. What made you…”  
  
But before he can finish, Alinn’s heart has pushed it’s way out of her stomach and up her throat where it spews from her mouth and all over Steve’s shoes. Alinn wretches and gags and this time people are looking. Especially Weeko who is rushing over with a look of pure concern.

“Oh my god, ‘m so sorry, so sorry…” Alinn mutters, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand. Before Steve can say anything or Weeko could come over to help her out, Alinn backs up several paces and bolts out of Stark’s apartment, humiliated.  
  
Several blocks from the complex, Alinn is fighting back the tears building in her eyes. She stumbles as she walks, still hammered out of her mind. It occurs to her too late that she left her purse behind and her purse has her keys. She curses loudly to the heavens, shouting with all her might despite the other people on the sidewalk. She stops only for a minute as she contemplates going back for it and decides against it. She’d sleep outside before she’d ever go back there.  
  
The memory, fresh in her mind, plays over again and she slaps herself in the head while chanting “stupid, stupid, stupid…”  
  
The universe decides it isn’t enough to leave her suffering alone. A voice calls out and it’s a warm voice that drenches her body in a warm rush of simultaneous desire and pain. It’s the voice of Steven Rogers.  
  
“Flynn!” He calls her out here the same way he would at their work and that kills her more than anything. She slows down and he catches up to her quickly because he’s running. “Agent Flynn, wait! You forgot your purse.” He’s holding said light blue satchel in his hands and he holds it out to her as they stop in the middle of the sidewalk. There’s hardly anyone around now.  
  
Alinn reaches out and takes the purse, careful to avoid touching his hand. She throws the bag over her shoulder, her eyes on his feet which still have her sick on them. “I’m sorry… sorry…” She says and her voice feels so small. This is Steven Rogers, the man she’s loved since she was a child and she can’t handle being next to him and knowing he’s completely unobtainable. Her heart is throbbing in her chest just at the sight of him.  
  
“You don’t have to apologize.” Steve says and his voice is so very kind. “I get it. You’re drunk. It’s okay.” There’s a hint of humor in his voice but Alinn isn’t laughing at all. The reality that he really has no idea is finally hitting her hard. Despite all the hints she’d dropped him over the years, he still has no idea she loves him.  
  
She feels like crying and doesn’t realize she’s started to until she looks at Steve’s face and he’s startled. “Agent Flynn!?” He starts to reach out to her and she feels like she’ll die if he touches her. “Are you okay? You’re crying…”  
  
She tries to say she’s sorry again but all that comes out is blubbering. It’s pathetic but she’s too drunk to care about dignity. She’s too sad to hide it.  
  
“You’re not hurt, are you?” Steve touched her arm comfortingly and looks over her briefly to check for obvious damage.  
  
His touch ignites something in her that turns her feelings into spite. She shrugs his hand off, instantly missing it’s warmth as soon as she does. “Why do you care?” She says firmly and looks up at him through her hair. “Why are you even being nice to me?”  
  
That was the last thing Steve was expecting and it shows in his expression. She can see his eyes flicker back and fourth the way they do in battle, processing, calculating, and determining the best course of action. “Have I done something to offend you, Flynn?”  
  
“Alinn! My name is Alinn! I’ve been in your troupe for the last five years and you still call me Flynn!” She shouts to try to keep the tears back. It doesn’t work. There are fresh ones building and her throat constricts as she utters her next words. “Is there something wrong with me?” Her voice is strained and broken. “Am I just not good enough?” Of course, she already knows.  
  
She doesn’t mean for him to answer her but she’s disappointed when he doesn’t. He just gawks at her for what feels like forever and she’s never felt more alone in her life.  
  
“Age-Alinn…” Steve starts. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”  
  
“Yeah? Well, ya did. You are!” She points a finger at him accusingly. “You never noticed me! I tried talking to you, tried to be the best at my job, tried to be your friend, I even dropped you hints. PLENTY of hints! But you never looked at me once! Why!? Tell me!”  
  
Steve frowns and his face goes from shock to a serious stoicism. “Alinn, you’re drunk. Please, calm down. I’ll walk you -”  
  
“I love you, damn it!” She shouts and people across the street turn to look at them. She doesn’t care. Alinn refuses to look at him, her head downcast and eyes shut as tears fall. She finally said it after all this time and she felt no better than before, just slightly crueler. “I tried… I tried for ages… I thought I could do it… I was going to tell you Tuesday after we’d got back from Wakonda, but when I looked for you, you were with Sharon and I…”  
  
“Tuesday…” Steve echoes. “You’ve been dealing with this for a week?”  
  
“No.” Alinn practically growls. “I’ve been dealing with this for fifteen years. This… infatuation. I’ve always wanted you… I love you…”  
  
And now she’s sobbing again, her face in her hands. She never should have left her apartment, she thinks. She wishes she was there now, tangled up in her bed as she cries herself to sleep. Anything would be better than to stand here now, breaking, on display for the very man she never wanted to see her this way.

Steve isn’t sure what to do but be a gentleman. “Alinn, I’m sorry. For everything. I had no idea you felt that way towards me.” He sighs softly. “Just let me walk you home, please. You’re in no condition to be alone.”

“Why? It’s not like I’m not use to it.” She still feels mean but it’s giving way to a self pity that’s been swallowing her for years. “I don’t need you now.” That’s the biggest lie she’ll ever tell.

“I’m responsible for your condition. It’s only right I see you home.” Steve’s voice is commanding and stern but tender. He disregards her protests and takes her firmly by the arm as they start towards the direction of her apartment. Alinn hates how much she loves the way his fingers curl around her arm so perfectly, holding her with a strength that is obvious but not bruising. She tries to push him away because she doesn’t think she can resist the urge to draw closer as they walk.

She manages to go a block before she’s leaning on him for support. Part of it is from drunkenness, part of it is from her desire to be close to him.

When they get to her door, Alinn fumbles the key thrice before Steve helps her with it. He steadies her hand with his own and Alinn pathetically thinks that it’s the closest they'll ever be to holding hands. The alcohol has eliminated any feelings of shame or remorse. She’s long stopped crying and instead has come to feel incredibly numb.

She opens the door, lets it swing open, and peers through the doorway like a foreign passageway. Everything is just as she left it. From here she can see the edge of her couch and thinks about how she’ll be spending a lot of time there in days to come.

“Aren’t you going to go in?” Steve asks.

Alinn looks at him and wants to express the dread she holds for her circumstances. She doesn’t want to go inside because Steve won’t be there with her. She wants to have his pity, his attention, his kindness, as long as she can. As soon as she steps through the threshold he’ll be gone and she’ll never want to see him again. But she can’t tell him these things. Instead she just looks at him and says the only thing she can think to. “I’m sorry… so sorry…”

“Alinn, please.” Steve’s voice is pleading and she can tell she’s annoyed him. “Go straight to bed. You’ll feel better in the morning and we can talk about it then.”

“In the morning…” She echoes. After a pause she scoffs. “No, I don’t think so. That would be nice but no. Sorry about this, Captain. Sorry to be such a nuisance.”

He doesn’t say anything. This whole thing has been new to Steve. He’s never had to handle someone else's feelings before and he’s certainly never had anyone declare their love for him so dramatically. He’s not mad at her. He only feels pity and a sense of self disgust for doing this to another person.

Alinn finally tears her eyes away from him and resigns herself to the idea of loneliness. She looks into her apartment once again before trudging in. Her legs are like lead as she moves. Her whole body is screaming the further she draws away from him. She doesn’t want to be alone. She doesn’t want to go to sleep and see him there in her dreams. The very idea is driving her to tears again but she holds them back as she turns to shut the door behind her.

“Goodnight, Alinn.” Steve says softly.

“Goodnight… Captain.”

The door shuts and Alinn watches as it swallows the image of him. It’s click and lock is loud in her ears. He’s gone now. That’s it. She’s completely alone now, left with nothing but her own stupid memories and treacherous thoughts.

She shatters.

Leaning against the door, she slides to her knees and cries out at the unending pain in her chest. Tears stream, her mouth gapes open in moans of pure agony. She sobs and wails and pounds her fists on the floor, screaming her regret and her sorrow and her anger at herself, at Sharon, at Steve, at the world. Maybe if she screams loud enough she can disappear into the sound and cease to exist all together. Maybe then the pain would go away and her mind and heart would stop longing in ways that kill her.

Still sobbing, she crawls to the couch and curls up there like before but she doesn’t bother to turn the TV on. Maybe if she had just been smart enough to refuse Weeko’s invitation in the first place, this never would have happened. Maybe she shouldn’t have intentionally gotten so drunk that her emotions took the better of her. It’s her own fault. She knows this and as she rocks back and forth in a ball of misery, her control over her own power of mind snaps.

Steve is already down the stairwell and on the first floor when it hits him. He has to lean on the wall for support as he suddenly gets sick to his stomach. It isn’t a queasy sickness but an emotional one. There’s terrible pain bubbling up deep inside his gut and for a moment it nearly knocks him off his feet.

Then he hears it.

‘ _I was such a fool.’_ He hears, clear as day in his head. He knows this isn’t his voice and the presence of it disturbs and troubles him. _‘What did you think would happen? Thought he would sweep you off your feet? Feel sorry for you enough to have a change of heart? Or maybe you just wanted him to feel sorry for you and fuck you. You stupid girl. You’re so foolish, so stupid… I hate you…”_

Steve knows this voice. Its Alinn’s but how is it here in his head? Her file never said anything about empathic or telepathic abilities.

He turns towards the stairs, drawn to the idea of checking up on her but another wave of thought stops him.

‘ _You don’t even deserve him. Of course he didn’t pick you. No one would. You’re just that same freaky little farm girl with no friends. No wonder why no one likes you. He would hate you too if he knew. They all would. Your whole life is unnecessary. No one cares if you suffer. You’re pathetic.”_

Steve winces at the string of memories that then flow into his head.

He can see school children surrounding him as they push his face into the dirt and laugh cruelly, chanting “freak girl! freak girl!”. He’s crying as they circle him, making faces, taunting, killing him with their words. He wants to run away and hide but when he tried to get up they push him down again.

He sees a man, Alinn’s father, strike a woman, Alinn’s mother, right across the face in front of his eyes before turning to look at him and scowling like a villain from a novel. He says “what are you looking at, girl?” and heads towards her. There’s a scream in his ears and he realizes it’s his own. The man pulls him by the hair and throws him by it before the memory fades to another. Steve can feel the pain in his scalp.

Now he’s sitting alone in front of a vanity. He looks in the mirror and he’s not himself at all. His reflection is that of a sad little girl with long blonde hair falling limply around her shoulders. Distantly he hears shouting, smashing, screaming, and he’s scared. Something passes through him that’s unfamiliar. The girl looking back at him looks down and he does too. She opens an old worn book, the grapes of wrath, and pulls from it a still photo. The photo’s of him and Bucky from the war. He runs his finger over the image of himself and a sense of hope fills him. He leans down, staring closely at the grainy black and white photo of his face before kissing it softly, lovingly, and then tucking the photo away again.  
  
Alinn is fourteen when her powers start to show. Before this day they’d burst from her in small displays of unkempt ability but with emotions bubbling inside her, and the sense of desperation pushing her to the edge, she looses it. She doesn’t know what happened or why but the farm tractor is tipping onto it’s side and her youngest brother falls in it’s shadow. She runs towards him, not sure what she’ll do when she reaches him. All she knows is she has to do _something_ because to do nothing would mean watching her seven year old brother die. She reaches out to him and he’s in the grass, reaching for her. She screams and that’s when it happens. Suddenly the tractor, and her brother, and the cows and columbine and every tool and troph is floating a few feet above the ground.  
  
Her brother screams. She looses control. And the tractor come down right on top of the boy. Alinn’s father, who witnessed the whole thing from the porch, looks at her like a monster and she is. She feels like it. She can see fear and hatred in her father’s face. He can’t accept this. He wont have a freak for a daughter. Not when she's just killed his oldest son.

Then the memories begin to become more recent.

He’s meeting himself through Alinn’s eyes. He can feel his heart racing as they shake hands, can feel her nervousness and longing as she stares into his eyes and smiles with joy. This is the first time they met, at Shield.

He sees every battle they’ve fought together, every close call and saving grace.

He sees his own battle worn and damaged face, carefully healed under her touch. He can feel how she relishes treating him in this way. They make small talk as she dresses his wounds and Steve remembers this incident himself. They were the only ones on the field, taking down a few Neo-Hydra Terrorists. While waiting for Shield’s clean up crew, she’d pulled the small medkit from her bag and offered to dress his wounds. He can’t believe how happy she feels as she swipes a bandage over his cheek with her thumb. It is happiness generated from being so close to him and relief that he’s still okay after everything. In her mind Steve feels her heart ache in a sweet way as she thinks about how much she loves him.

He sees a moment long forgotten to him but deeply seeded in Alinn’s mind. They’re alone together, on the roof of Avenger's Tower, under a beautiful starry sky. There’s a party going on below them. He can feel the thumping in the concrete below him. He’s staring at himself, studying his own profile and memorizing every dip and curve and detail until he looks at her and she snaps her gaze away. He offers her kind words, friendly words, and he can feel Alinn’s heart thumping in response.

And then there comes the worst of it all. He’s in a grey hall, obviously in the bowels of Shield’s headquarters. He recognizes this hall particularly because it’s the way to his office. He passes it everyday. Steve knows what’s about to happen without even seeing it. As he approaches his own office door he can hear the faint voices of him and Sharon flirting. It’s a sound that stops him – stops Alinn – cold in her tracks and makes her pause. The door is open slightly and he peaks in… and his heart stops. He’s there with Sharon as he remembered, her on his desk, her leg wrapped around him flirtatiously. He’s whispering in her ear, stroking her hair, kissing her cheek, her jaw, her neck. Alinn covers her mouth to mask her involuntary whimper and he can feel her start to cry. There are tears in her eyes already when suddenly she looks at Sharon and Sharon… Sharon is staring right back. She runs. She turns and leaves faster than he can, suppressing the unending pain in his bosom until she’s safely hidden inside a bathroom cubicle. There are flowers in her hand inside a green glass coke bottle. His favorite…

Steve has been climbing the stairs, two by two, as he battles with memories that aren’t his own. His chest is aching with incredible pain but he manages not to cry. He feels like such an ass. There were plenty of times, he realizes in retrospect, where she had subtly tried to show him how she feels. Why hadn’t he seen it before? It was so obvious to him now.

When he reaches Alinn’s floor he doesn’t even bother knocking. He knows through her that the door is unlocked and knows exactly where she is, curled up in the living room. He enters as though he has a right to.

Sure enough, Alinn is there, on the couch, curled into a blubbering mess. Around her, the books and electronics float ever so precariously in the air. The couch itself has lifted to hover inches from the ground. Her hair floats about her head in a heavenly aura that seems to control this massive burst of power.

She hasn’t noticed him. She seems oblivious to everything save for her crushing pain.

When Steve touches her shoulder, her head snaps to look at him, her eyes wide and fearful, and everything drops.

For a moment, the only sound is that of everything settling. The pages of the books flutter to a close as they fall to the ground, her television crashes and snaps, her cookery comes down with all the din and clatter of metal on tile. Alinn doesn’t notice any of these things. She just stares and stares, her eyes still full of tears and terror.

“Alinn…” Steve calls softly and moves his hand from her shoulder to brush the hair from her face. This startles her and she moves away quickly. “No.” Steve reaches out and caresses her cheek, holding her there with his touch. “Don’t run away from me. Don’t try to hide. Just…” He sits beside her on the couch, their eyes never leaving each other. “Talk to me.”

Alinn regains what’s left of her courage and finally speaks. “I lost it, didn’t I?”

“Yes.” He nods softly.

“Then you saw…”

“Yes.”

Silence.

Alinn is crying again, the tears falling over his hand. She tries to push it away but Steve is strong and keeps his hold on her.

“Leave me alone…” She pleads brokenly.

Steve just shakes his head with a small sympathetic smile. “I can’t. I won’t abandon you. We _need_ to talk about this, Alinn. It’s killing you.”

“What’s there to talk about?” She snaps, the same meanness lacing her tone like before. “You already know everything. Why can’t you just leave me be? Why do you keep torturing me?”

“Because…” _‘Because I feel sorry for you. Because I can’t live with myself knowing I never tried to help…’_ “Because this is all my fault and I should help you where I can.”

A rare smile flits across Alinn’s lips as though his warmth has reached her but Steve can see it for what it really is. “How noble of you, Captain.” She moves to remove his hand and this time he lets her. “How charming…”

She’s looking down at her hands, picking nervously at her fingernails. This isn’t what she wants but she has no choice. He knows everything now. There’s no use hiding.

“I… I don’t know where to begin… I don’t…”

“It’s alright.” Steve takes her hands in his, stopping their fidgeting and filling them with warmth. “Just… start from the beginning.”

So she does. She tells him again what he already knew about her uncle and his time serving beside Captain America. It’s where she got the old photo from her memory, the one she’d kissed so innocently. It was through her Uncle’s war stories and old footage that she first fell in love with Captain America. Then when her powers had been responsible for killing her brother, she was shipped off to live with him. He helped her in many ways, becoming the father she never had but he was an old man and died when she turned nineteen. She was left his estate and ran the small farm by herself for years, not knowing what else to do.

It was there that she met a man she wished she could recall more of. He had seemed to fall right out of the sky. One day he just showed up, asking for room and board, promising to pay for it. He claimed to be a writer and wanted to work in the field first hand to understand it better. He became her first and last real love. He didn’t care that she could make things float or read his mind when she didn’t mean to. He treated her like an equal and she had trusted him. He only stayed for six months until leaving as suddenly as he had come. There was no explanation, no note, no tearful goodbye or reasoning. She simply woke up and every trace of him was gone. She didn’t understand why he left. The questions ate at her for years to come, making her more introverted as she was forced to live alone again after giving herself over to a man who so callously left her. She had loved him and thought he loved her but that mistake had cost her trust in loving. His name was Loki.

And then she came to New York. She had decided to find the Xavier institute and ask for their help. She couldn’t live alone forever but she couldn’t be around people with her condition. They had refused her. She didn’t know what else to do. Lost, lonely, and upset, she let her powers get the best of her. There was a… incident in New York that day that she’d very much like to forget. That’s how she ended up on Shield’s radar. They found her and threatened her, grappled with her, and eventually subdued her but rather than be arrested, Nick Fury gave her a choice. She could either be tried as a super human and sentenced or she could join Shield and train her powers to become useful in the field. The choice was a clear one from the start. She became a Shield agent and started her training under Agent Coulson. Steve was her inspiration to keep going. For the first time in her life she had fulfilled a goal she’d only dreamed about under the dark Oklahoma sky. She was a soldier, like her hero, like Cap and her uncle Evan, and she was proud.

And then…

Captain America was found in the ice.

Alinn was the happiest person in the world that day. Coulson would probably argue with her on that but Alinn knew there was no feeling to match the elation in her heart when she first laid eyes on a living, breathing, Steven Rogers. No longer was he a phantom in her photographs or a historical figure to be admired from afar, through time and circumstance. He was as real as anything else she’d ever known and her love came bursting from her with the intensity of a thousand dying stars. She gazed and was gazed upon, her eyes transfixed to his perfect blue eyes, her mouth a perpetual smile of joy. He was more handsome than she could imagine, with his voice warmer than in her dreams. She was already in love with this man before she met him but it was apparent he needed time to adjust to this unexpected future.

So she waited.

She continued to stay a friend, stay close to him as he made his way in this new and confusing world. Fury assigned her to his assimilation and she showed him all the sights of New York city as she discovered some news ones herself. She loved that time she’d had with him. When he had become comfortable and no longer needed her, she requested his division under shield and still never once let him down. She loved watching him work on the field, his strong athletic muscles rippling under his costume, the fierce fire in his eyes as he geared up for battle.

In retrospect, she could have made her move then, as they worked side by side, learning each others skills and weaknesses. Sharon obviously had. Or maybe the woman came in a little later and she’d simply missed her chance completely. She regretted everything now. Her mind full of should of, would of, could of.

After the Avengers, she thought they had been getting closer. She dropped a few hints, tried to show a few subtle signs that she thought of him everyday, that she loved him relentlessly, but they went unnoticed, swept under the rug, forgotten.

Seeing him with Sharon was the straw that broke her. This night, this mistake, was finally grinding those broken pieces into dust.  
  
“It’s all my fault. I missed my chance and now… now I’m inconveniencing you with my feelings. I’ve been stupid from the start. I… I wish this had never happened.”

Alinn sighs and it adds to the weight between them. Steve is sitting still, his hands on his lap, his face as straight as stone.

“That’s it. That’s all. Now you know everything. So if you’re satisfied, I’d like to go to bed now and try to forget this ever happened.”

“Alinn…” His voice stops her dead. “You’re not going to resign from Shield because of this, are you?”

He looks at her and she wishes he hadn’t. She can tell she’s hurt him with her story. His beautiful eyes are full of sympathy, pity, and self loathing. She hates herself for doing this to him, for ever getting up and going to that stupid party, and most of all for feeling spite towards those sad, pleading eyes.

“I…”

A chime sounds, breaking the still, quiet air between them. It’s his phone which he fishes for in his pocket before retrieving with a grim look. “It’s Sharon.” He says and immediately regrets it. The look that results on Alinn’s face is heartbreaking. It's that of pure stoicism, of utter defeat.  
  
“Answer it.” She says softly.

“I’m sorry, I-I…”

“Just answer it, Steve.”

He flips the phone open and stands to walk a few paces to the kitchen. It’s not far from the living room and he’s sure she can still hear him as he answers.

“Hello?”

“Steve! Where are you? I’ve been at Tony’s party for the past hour and I don’t see you here!” Sharon’s voice is loud over the din of people and music in the background.

“What? I thought you couldn’t make it?”

“I couldn’t but I made time. I wanted to surprise you!” She pauses. “You still haven’t answered my question!”

Steve glances at Alinn who is sitting still on the couch, blankly staring ahead at the space where her television once sat.

“Sorry. I took a buddy home. They were pretty wasted and I wanted to make sure they got home okay.”

“Aw, that’s nice of you.” She giggles and Steve realizes she must be a little drunk herself. “Well, hurry back! The night is still young and I want to spend it with you!”

“Of course. Yeah, me too.” Steve pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Alright, babe. See ya soon. I love you!”

Steve pauses, a lump in his throat. “I love you too.” He says. “Bye.”

Alinn isn’t saying anything. Steve expects her to cry again but she just sits in her seat, still, and looks at her hands. Steve tucks the phone away in his pocket, turning the thing to silent as he does. He moves to sit back down on the couch but is stopped by the lonely girl’s chilling voice.

“Just go, Captain.”

“I’m… I’m sorry, Alinn. I really am.” Steve sighs. “You know I… I thought about you like that once, a long time ago, but –“

“Don’t.” She seethes. “Just, please, leave. I don’t want to know that.” She’s speaking through gritted teeth. “Just forget about all of this, please. Let’s never talk about it again.”

For the first time in a long time, Steve is confused and helpless. He knows he will have to leave to see his lover, Sharon. He knows that this night has to end and that it ends with someone he considered a friend in absolute agony. He knows he can’t stay but he’s afraid to leave her to herself.

“I don’t have to leave…”

“I want you to.”

She looks up at him and her eyes are brimming with tears but something else as well. There’s pain and self pity and something else. Something so sad Steve can’t put a name to it. “Please.” She says for the last time. “Go.”  
  
And he does.

 


End file.
